the risk i took was calculated
AND MAN, AM I TERRIBLE AT MATH
If you get into MIT, it will be because you followed these steps. If you do well in school, you will be smart and prepared for an MIT education. If you are nice, then your letters of recommendation will convince us that MIT would be a wildly better place with you on campus. And if you pursue your passion, you will have developed a love for and skill at something that helps distinguish you from other applications - something that is your “hook.”
But what if you don’t get into MIT?
Well, you may be disappointed. But you learned everything you could, so now you’re smarter; you were a positive member of your community, and you made people happy; and you spent high school doing not what you thought you had to do to get into a selective college, but what you wanted to do more than anything else in the world. In other words, you didn’t waste a single solitary second of your time.
if i write poetry about chemistry, i’ll be doubly productive!!!
it’s been a year, and i feel year wiser and more insightful, but at the same time, it’s been a year, and i still feel blooopy, tired, unfulfilled. the only difference is this time around, i’m heading into junior year which is like *the* year. i miss that balance of being challenged but really passionate about the stuff i did in class. i have heard “ap” and “uc berkeley/los angeles/irvine/san diego/ santa barbara” and “princeton review” so many times this week i cringe when i hear people talk about it.
do i take physics ap and potentially kill my chances of having a moderately enjoyable junior year??? am i hoping i have some epiphany where i realize how much i love physics???? do i even want to do anything related to stem? oh god i am so scared that i’m missing out on something potentially mind blowingly enjoyable just because i tell myself “”“oh, i’m not a math person”“” and completely slack off. do i opt to take another ap class for the gpa boost or decide on yearbook, which would relate to journalism in the near future? engineer journalist lawyer?
in the end, it all boils down to me trying to be satisfied with what i do, but that’s challenging when i haven’t quite found my niche & i’m unable to properly commit to the things that are important to me, because i’m still having trouble figuring out what those things are. the past month i’ve been compiling lists of things to do in the summer, in terms of volunteering, internships, things i could get involved in, and i am so anxious to make the most of my summer, i am so anxious trying to explore a little bit of everything because i’m haunted by the idea that there is something that i’m missing out on;
i don’t know what classes i want to do next year! like, us history ap or some science ap? i think i like us history because my 8th grade teacher was amazing and passionate and made history come to life but what if i absolutely dread apush? but i used to think i enjoyed science because my teachers were fab, then i got to high school? i feel like a self contained mess; this is around the time when all i do is rattle off possible schedules and classes and aps and extracurriculars in hopes of self validation which just fuels this anxiety BUT this aint a self fulfilling prophecy, none of this is set in stone..yet
how am i supposed to know if i’m a conceptual learner// how well i’m going to do in physics? the curriculum for apush is being completely rewritten this year… i’m slowly getting my act together but when is anything ever enough? i don’t feel like myself, i haven’t felt like myself in the longest time, that i don’t remember what feeling like myself feels like. junior year is pretty darn important? i am supposed to pick classes based on a possible major// career choice but i have no idea which direction i want to go with my future? FUTURE?
i am fifteen years old and what is this???
all i want is to not have a stress fracture, please